One thing I've been pondering lately is how can people settle. I think I know part of the answer, they don't know there's something different available. I have to smother the mindset that everyone has big goals, dreams, and visions as I do. I know we all have our own individual journeys but oh how I wished I could just convince more people to make an attempt at something different. I started to say better, but maybe what I think or feel is better isn’t necessarily better for them.

I'm that girl who loves God, life, and people. I'm purposed to educate, uplift, inspire, change the world!

After going with what I've gone through and not being able to do a lot of the things I've longed to do, it really puzzles my how some people can have resources and opportunity to do a number of things and never do them. I've grown so tired of hearing people make excuses. One thing this experience has taught me is that many times you have to create an opportunity. August 2009 I could barely see my hand in front of my face, but after almost of being stationery, I had to do something. So one day I decided I wanted to do something I hadn't done in months, go to the library. None of my usual drivers were available so what's a girl to do. I got up. crossed the street, and walked to the bus stop. Because I had no depth perception and couldn't tell how far away a vehicle was from me, I should have been afraid. I wasn't at all. I stood at the corner, said a prayer, counted to three, and across the street I went. To some it may sound like a small feat, but to me it was as if I'd climbed Mount Everest. Although I still had many ups and downs for then to now, I count this as the beginning of the making of me. The courageous woman of God I've grown to be.

Thinking back to my first bout with depression, I was suicidal among other things. I didn't understand the things I do know so I had no idea why and where all the pain and hurt was coming from. It wasn't just emotional, it was the worst physical feelings I'd had up until then. I can remember one day standing in the shower crying my eyes out uncontrollably. I tried desperately to explain to people what I was feeling but many didn't understand. Then one day, I decided I'd take a bottle of night time pain medication. I sat on the floor of my bedroom and struggled with the bottle for over 20 minutes until finally I feel asleep. This was about 10 am or so. but when I awoke is was well into the night, maybe even midnight, I don't remember.
I had lost my job and a man whom I thought I couldn't live without told me he was marrying another woman. I can remember going on a job interview the day after that conversation with him, just sitting there but not knowing a thing what was said.

Fast forward to 2009...

Pain is temporary but victory is forever!

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned over the last few years is that I do have control over my thoughts. It's true that a thought or idea may enter your mind, but it doesn't have to stay there. Although there was nothing much I could do about my eyesight and many of the circumstances surrounding me, I realized that I could determine my thought and how things affected me. I've been familiar with 2 Corinthians 10:5 for a long time but it took me all that time to learn how to apply that word.

I love how it reads in the Message...

^3-6 The world is unprincipled. It’s dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn’t fight fair. But we don’t live or fight our battles that way—never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren’t for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity.

Right now I'm grateful for self discovery. I no longer have to make excuses for who God says I am, why I believe what I believe, and why I do or don't do what I do.  Ironically, on my way here, I've lost a lot of people and things that I deemed vital to my existence. Not that people and things aren't needed for my journey but letting God help me make those choices has allowed me to make room for that which is necessary for the rest of my journey. I'm not bitter or mad at any of it, for I know that all things work together for my good. With humility and grace, I walk boldly in freedom, love, peace, and truth.

SR Howard on I didn't make this life I just live it

I thank You Father that I'm learning to live beyond my fears and feelings. I am in great expectations for Your plan for my life. I thank You that Your word declares if I delight myself in You, You'll give me my heart's desire. I desire to walk boldly in faith, in the truth of who You are, and who You created me to be. I will meet every challenge and opportunity with the strength I've obtained through You. There's nothing to hard for You, the fact that I'm still here is proof of that. My love for You will never fail. I thank You for Your faithfulness, grace, and mercy especially because I don't deserve it. In Jesus Name Amen!

#straightfromtheheart