The last four years of my life have been a rollercoster to say the least. I've experienced things I never thought I'd ever experience but through it all God has remained faithful. In my request to live authentically (be careful what you ask for) I was literally forced to see myself and life for what it truly is and is meant to be. One of the most profound lessons I've learned is that I had to SHOW UP! Even though I believe in the miraculous healing power of the Father, He told me that I had to participate in my healing process. "But You're the Almighty God, why do You need my participation?" See it wasn't just my eyesight that needed healing, that was merely an outward manifestation of the brokenness, turmoil, and destruction that lived within. No matter how much I cried, sulked, and had pity parties, NOTHING changed until I decided to show up and participate!
I can't begin to tell you all the old stuff, I thought I'd resolved, that reared its ugly head. There isn't an emotion known to man that I didn't experience: depression, hate, anxiety, worry, guilt, regret, suicidal, etc. You name it! "God how could You be Love and allow me to hurt so bad. I didn't ask for this." I mean there were things that I never even concerned, like being upset with my mother for dying when I was 14 months old. One day the Lord said "you need to forgive your mother." "Forgive my mother, that's crazy! How and why would I be upset with her, I don't even remember her?" A few hours after having this conversation with God, a friend called me. We chatted for a few minutes and then she says "I was suppose to call you a few days ago but I've been busy. I had to stop and do it today. God told me to tell you that you need to forgive your mother." "Okay God, I hear You and will obey." She begin to say things I'd never concerned. "You've been holding a grudge against your mother for years and especially now that you're going through this situation, for leaving you alone. But who's to say what physical condition she would've been in. She may not have been able to be the mother you think she would have been. God does things for a reason. She served her purpose here, she had you. Now it's time that you release her and get on with your life." That knocked me to the floor...talk about having an ugly cry! But as the pain, regret, and hurt began to roll down my face, I felt a release as well as the presence of God and my mother. My friend suggested that I write and release everyone who'd been pain and disappointment in my life. And yes I was suspect number one!
Moral of the story~PARTICIPATION IS MANDATORY! Even though God is omnipotent, omnipresent, and knows our pain, these are our life experiences, our own personal crosses to bear. I believe if God hadn't sent Jesus to live as a human, He wouldn't have been able to endure the cross. We say we want the John 10:10 life but we don't want to go through anything, fight back, we don't want to participant. Truth is if you don't you never will.
So now that I'm at the River Jordan and I see the Promised Land, it's my purpose to take as many people along as possible. If this seem impossible to you do what I did...simply ask! God is waiting to answer. And although it may not be as you expect, it will definitely be worth it. Truth is when you ask God for something, you don't get to choose the route He takes you, just be ready for the ride.
I've decided to use every experience for it's intended purpose, to propel me forward and help others along the way. It's not easy but each time I share my life, I feel a little of the pain of that time. But it's all good. I'm gone make it do what it do and if it don't, I'm gone leave it alone (thanks AM!)
God's best to you
Stephanie
